Marie Laveau, 26, shares her experience of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse within the Sri Lankan Tamil community.
Would you say there is anyone else in your life that you hold accountable?
No. People don’t have time and we’re all busy being adults. Another thing, I’m very distrusting in people and I don’t think I really trust certain friends. The people that I trust wholeheartedly are within a very small circle.
Where does this distrust come from?
It was from people not believing me when I was trying to tell the truth. It all stems from ‘that’ trauma from my childhood. They didn’t believe me and I didn’t know what do. I don’t remember how old I was but I remember this one time I lied to my parents about something and they said something really mean which was along the lines of ‘I don’t know what we did to deserve a daughter like you, always lying to us!’. I immediately thought of the time that I did tell someone the truth they just dismissed it completely. Thinking back to that time now, I feel really sad for the little girl back then but saying that, if this thing had never happened then I don’t think I would be who I am now
What do you mean?
I don’t think that I’ll be as self-sufficient as I am now. So again, I know I say this a lot but I do take pride in being a person that does not need anyone to complete me or satisfy my needs.
The traumatic event happened before I was able to even comprehend what it was – I was about five or six. It was a Sunday after church and we all had come home and eaten. I had just showered wearing a vest and knickers because the afternoon heat was unbearable. This man was familiar to our home, his touch was familiar because he was like a second dad to me. In a split second, it became unfamiliar and foreign, my limbs became heavy like my body had shut down. Afterwards, I showered again and we all went to the beach like nothing happened. I never brought it up until 15 years later.
In that space of 15 years, from the age of five until 20, I endured much more of these ‘righteously entitled men’ touching me inappropriately.
One of them was an elder at church. I decided to tell my mum but she said ‘and what would other people think if I came out with this’? I felt completely betrayed. She put what other people thought over my dignity.
My mum’s best friend’s husband was, by definition, grooming me. I didn’t know it at the time but it didn’t sit right with me – I was 15. I ended up disclosing it to someone in school because I couldn’t trust anyone at home and I was really scared about what my parents would say. The school called my parents and said we’re going to call social services unless you do something. My mum betrayed me again and told me, ‘at the end of the day he has two sons and they need him’ so I agreed to leave it. He came around to my house and convinced my parents that I was bat shit crazy! I whole heartedly hated my parents for a long time because he continued to come to the house. Every time he did, I would feel as though his gaze was burning a hole in my back. Anytime he looked at me, I would just immediately want the earth around me to swallow me up. I wanted to disappear.
In 2015 when I was 21 years old, I went to Sri Lanka to visit my cousin and I asked her if she remembers what had happened when we were five or six and she said yes. I told my aunt about the incident and she said ‘okay, but don’t tell your mum’. I considered my aunt like a second mum. I thought I could have her support in telling mum about what happened when I was five or six but this is another person whom I considered close to me to dismiss my truth.
My mum did, however, apologise to me. As it was many years later to the incident, it was refreshing. I didn’t know what to do with her apology. For the first time she stood by me and took my side. It felt foreign.
Saying that, when you become a parent you very much try to do what’s best for your child and I’ve seen it in a few of my friends, it’s very much trial and error. So in that sense I forgive her but I also think she could have done better. I’m just taking these nuggets of wisdom for myself, if or when I become a parent.
How did that make you feel when she said that?
I was completely gobsmacked, because finally I had the mum I wanted and it was something that I was yearning to come for so long. I always wanted her to believe me and when it finally came, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of me. I’ve been praying for this breakthrough and now it was here I didn’t know what to do with it. I have to add that this only happened in October 2019.
Like you said, it is a breakthrough. Has your ‘window of tolerance’ opened up for your parents?
Yes I think so. I know who I can speak to and who I can’t speak to about certain things, so with my mum, we’re not in fights all the time now. Before we’d be butting heads all the time but now it’s more chilled out. I don’t know, something honestly shifted as soon as my mum knew what had happened. I thought I was going to have to keep this hidden to my grave, which I would have been okay with but through that I would have sabotaged relationships along the way.
It was only because she asked that I told her and I was already having a stressful week at work, so I thought okay fine it’s time for you to know the truth, here it is. Do what you will with it.
Yes I think so, the South Asian community living within the Western community are very push and pull with their identity so a lot of them are kind of lost aren’t they? Which I feel really bad about, but at the same time if we hadn’t migrated to the Western hemisphere then we wouldn’t have opened up to doors to grow because there’s this mental health group called ANBU UK who are addressing the issues of childhood sexual abuse in the community. Plus, there are other individuals who take to social media to share what they’ve been through and how they’ve overcome their own struggles. They’ve almost become a beacon of hope for those continuously struggling in our community. I still think there’s a long way to go, not just within our community but in general, because the way the NHS is set up for mental health is absolutely awful. I think so anyways. Take the wins as they come, one day at a time.
What advice would you give to someone hearing a disclosure from a survivor?
It’s being believed and not having to feel like you are on your own in this. It’s important to have someone say ‘I’m here with you through this’ or ‘we will make this together’. Those were the main things that I needed at the time when I disclosed in desperation because I thought I was going absolutely crazy. The times that I did disclose, it made me panic because I thought that I was in the wrong, so if anyone does disclose that they’ve been abused then always believe them. Someone to know that this was my truth and that it was okay for me to disclose it because it’s only recently that people are saying it’s not a taboo topic. Before it was a secret that shouldn’t come out and people always say ‘what will they think of you when the community finds out’. It’s really disgusting that a lot of people do get away with it. Always believe the survivor and I can’t stress that enough, especially if they are a child. Education comes into this as well. It’s important to educate your child to realise that if something isn’t right who they can go to or what they can say. No child ever deserves to grow up too soon.
Why did you feel like you were in the wrong?
When it was happening I knew it was wrong and I didn’t know if I’d done something wrong for it to happen to me. I didn’t know if I pissed him off in some kind of way to treat me like that. So that’s why I felt like I was in the wrong and that kind of puts a lot of shit on you as you’re growing up because you then go into relationships thinking ‘ I’ve done something wrong therefore this person can treat me however they want to as a result of it’. It took a long time to learn to how to value myself.
It’s interesting when you said ‘no child should grow up as quick as I did’. What made you feel as though you had to grow up quickly?
I think I’ve always had a secret, and it shut me down in a way. It was the biggest secret that I had at that time, and I thought I could just keep it tucked away but then in doing that, I was also tucking away my creativity as a child. I remember as a child I was told that I would draw a lot and then mum told me that I suddenly stopped drawing and doing any pretend play with my cousins for a long time. I also had this thing if someone was to shout at me when I was a child, then I would have panic attacks. The man who abused me was really loud and a big ‘macho man’ - well ‘macho man’ in appearance and nothing else. All the memories I have of him as a child was seeing him shout at my aunt and my cousin. I don’t have a memory of him ever being kind, so growing up as a teenager whenever my dad or someone close to me raised their voice at me with aggression, then I immediately go back to that place as a child where I’m really scared, my breath quickens and I start welling up. Everyone talks about the mental health and the emotional side of things but there’s also the physiological side of abuse that sometimes kicks in earlier or later but that’s just the sad reality.
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ANBU UK works with the Tamil community’s historical and present trauma to explore the community's capacity to heal and break the silence and stigma associated with abuse within the Tamil community. Childhood sexual abuse is a global issue. Abuse experienced in childhood can have a lasting impact on the adults that children become.
Website: https://www.anbu.org.uk
ANBU UK is currently unable to provide any crisis support line services. If you are in need of immediate assistance please contact support organisations listed below:
Jothy Helpline provides a helpline service for Tamil speaking individuals ‘Nalamaana Ullam Mahilvaana Vaalvu’. Free face to face counselling service and free confidential helpline service.
Opening times: Monday - Friday from 13:00- 21:00
Tel no: 020 3371 0006
myNanBee provides a Tamil speaking befriending service as they believe that one of their ways to beat loneliness is to spend time talking to each other. If something is bothering you and you need a friend to talk to please contact them:
Tel no: 07534905923
Email:
The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) is the UK’s leading national charity offering support to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse, including physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect:
Tel no: 0808 801 0331