Praelia, 30, shares her experience of dealing with anxiety and the measures she has put in place to manage it.
What event did you want to talk about with regards to your mental health journey?
Over the last few years I’ve been going through a period of anxiety and depression, and I realised that a lot of it stems from when I was quite young. I was raised by two extremely loving parents, but they were human and they made their mistakes like we all do. Sadly, the reality was that I grew up in quite a volatile environment and there was a lot of arguing and tension in the house. As a result, I became quite a nervous and anxious child - when you’re a child, you’re helpless and you don’t know how to control all the noise and tension around you. It’s a scary position to be in. I read somewhere that statistics show that the majority of children who grow up in disruptive homes tend to experience confidence issues later in life – and to be honest, it makes complete sense.
I remember those moments when I would get caught in the crossfire and people wanted me to take sides and tell them, ‘who’s right and who’s wrong’. I remember ‘freezing’ in those moments, my heart thumping in my chest and not knowing what to say - people were demanding answers from me, but I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I was terrified of making a wrong move.
How old were you when this all started?
I remember it starting when I was four or five years old, but the tension in the home started long before then – probably before I was even born.
Who are you referring to as the people who would look at you asking, ‘who’s side are you on’?
My parents. It was and still is a recurring theme: being caught between my mum and dad. In this day and age, we’re more psychologically aware and we know that the family unit is crucial to someone’s long-term sense of inner stability and security. So when, at such a young age, you keep getting caught in between these two adults, it can provoke intense anxiety. This developed into a ‘trigger’ for anxiety in my adult years – like whenever I feel that I’m insufficient or not able to solve what’s going on around me, or I’m ‘not enough’ to keep people happy. And definitely, when I’m faced with conflict.
In regards to your anxiety, you said it’s an issue you’ve been dealing with from the age of four but when did you personally realise it was a recurring issue?
The feelings of anxiety started from quite a young age, but it’s looked quite different over time.
So in the last five years I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress. At the start of that period (for maybe nine months to a year), I had quite severe bouts of anxiety. I went through things like being physically sick first thing in the morning or on the train to work and going to bed at night shaking in fear. With regards to my physical health, my resting heart rate was really high, I put on a lot of weight, I sustained some ‘stress related health conditions’ and I generally felt quite ‘on edge’ all the time. I remember this one time when I was working from home and I received an email from work about an overdue expense claim that I hadn’t submitted yet. Pretty normal day to day business stuff but for some reason, I flew into a total panic and I didn’t know what to do. I was crying and shaking. My brother was at home and I just said to him ‘listen, I’ve got this problem, can you come to my room for a minute?’ When he walked in and saw the state I was in, I could see the shock and the hurt in his eyes because he’d never seen me like that. It made me realise ‘yes, I am going through a hard time but this is becoming an issue now - something is going on here that I need to really address’.
To fast forward a little bit, once I’d gone through that initial period of anxiety and ‘fight or flight’, I gradually realised that I was starting to feel numb. I remember when someone would ask ‘how are you feeling?’ the only word I could think to describe how I felt was ‘unhappy’. I just didn’t have the energy to do a lot of day-to-day things, like going out to see people and socialising. Even getting out of bed and showering became challenging at one point and it took a lot out of me.
I didn’t know this at the time and I’ve never had a formal diagnosis, but I think of all the stuff I was experiencing pointed to the fact that I was suffering with depression. Funnily enough, the thing that I found the most difficult as part of that period of depression wasn’t feeling unhappy, the weight gain, etc. but I was really struggling with my memory which was new to me.
Would you mind elaborating on your last point?
So, I remember I’d been on a project for a whole year sitting next to the same guy and then four weeks after the project ended, I bumped into him and I couldn’t remember his name. For anyone in their twenties this is extremely abnormal, but especially so for me. I was known for remembering names and faces and details. Even to this day, sometimes I struggle to place faces and it’s very distressing. It’s tough when you feel like your mind is failing you - you know that person’s name is in your head, but you just can’t access it.
At that point, I reached out and got some counselling. I’ve personally never touched any form of medication to deal with my mental health (no judgement, sometimes this is the right option for people), but going to counselling was really helpful because it made me realise that it’s not just the problems of today that need to be dealt with, but the thought patterns I developed over the years from quite a young age. Even something like what I mentioned about ‘freezing up’ as a child is something that I experience now in business meetings. Like if I’m justified in a point I’ve made but someone makes a counter-argument, I still have that moment where it takes me a minute to find my voice.
But what’s running through your head at the time?
This is it: nothing is running through my head. My head is heating up and it’s just going ‘I don’t know what to say’. It’s like someone is chasing you down the road and you jump into your car, close the door, put your seatbelt on, check your mirrors, you’re ready to go – and suddenly you can’t remember where the ignition is. That’s what it feels like. It’s like on some level you know what you need to say, you know what you need to do and you desperately want to respond but you can’t quite start. It’s like your mind gets stuck between gears and you just can’t get that first thought through the door. That said, I’ve become better in dealing with it over time, taking a step back and reassuring myself by saying ‘you know what you are doing’ or ‘you know the answer to this question’ or ‘just think back to that moment and go from there’.
Can we go back to the point where you mentioned you would freeze when someone puts you on the spot?
It’s interesting because you feel frustrated with yourself and it also adds to the sense of panic. It’s a snowball effect because you’re firstly panicking because you can’t access the ‘go’ button in your brain, and then you’re panicking because you’re not representing yourself well in front of whoever, and then you’re panicking because your brain’s letting you down and you’re genuinely worried that there’s something wrong with you. So it’s a vicious cycle and I definitely beat myself up because at the end of the day, I’m a woman in my twenties, I’m in a very demanding job, my colleagues are all in the top 0.01% in terms of academic background; they are really smart people and I don’t want to look like an idiot – it shouldn’t happen to me at my age but every now and again, it does. I do think this all traces back to my childhood where I was put on the spot quite a lot in very adult situations that I wasn’t equipped to deal with. That same feeling of ‘I don’t know what on earth I’m doing or what to say’ still impacts me today, and I have to deal with it – but I candeal with it, and I will continue to.
The flipside to this is when you’ve gone through various struggles, you actually build resilience. I’ve got younger siblings who I was fiercely protective of from a young age and I still am today – and that brings about an inner strength in you.
How comfortable do you feel being yourself with others?
I would say that I am quite comfortable now but it took me a long time. Interestingly, a lot of people think of me as quite outgoing and some even think of me as confident, but there’s this whole other side to me which is the total opposite to that. Perception is a funny old thing – it’s easy to miss obvious signs of someone who’s struggling if we just par them off as being ‘strong’. Often it’s the people who we categorise as ‘strong’ who struggle the most. We still need to redefine what ‘strength’ is – ‘toughing it out’ isn’t necessarily strong, and crying or talking about your feelings certainly isn’t weak.
We talk a lot more about mental health nowadays and I’ve realised over time that saying, ‘I’ve had a really bad day today’ has been quite freeing – for me, and sometimes for the person I’m talking to. The whole thing with mental health is that previously there’s been this misconception of you’re either a) ‘normal’ or b) you’re ‘mental’ and ‘crazy’. Whereas, what we’ve actually come to realise is that your mental health is a state. It’s on a scale, it’s a continuum - your mental health changes all the time, exactly like your physical health: You eat right, sleep well, exercise three times a week - it shows in your physical health. You live off Krispy Kreme’s and alcohol, and don’t get off your couch except to eat and go to the loo - it will definitely show in your physical health. Your mental health is changing all the time and there are so many factors that come into play. Just because you’re feeling great today, doesn’t mean you will tomorrow. Just because you feel awful today, doesn’t mean you will tomorrow either. We need to understand that maintaining good mental health takes work and it’s not something that ‘just happens’.
I have to mention that a big part of addressing my mental health challenges was my faith and believing that there is a God and He has a purpose for my life – and actually, He deeply cares about the state of my mind. On this point, I just want to say that talking about mental health does not make me or anyone else less Christian/religious, and I think the Church and other faith groups have a bit more work to do to open this conversation up in an appropriate, safe and sensitive manner. It’s dangerous to dismiss someone’s mental health battles by just saying ‘well hey, God is good’ – yes, He is, but that doesn’t change the fact that the person who’s confiding in you is struggling and for all you know, they could be contemplating suicide. Making those kind of statements can come across as really dismissive. There are reasons why the bible says ‘do not fear’ so often – it’s a very real and common pitfall for us all and the bible acknowledges it. There are a million and one ways you can support someone who’s battling mental health issues, but whatever you do, don’t minimise their struggle in the process. The danger is that you could be unintentionally shutting down a conversation that they desperately need to have – and in an extreme situation, you could be someone’s last hope. So educate yourself on how to support people who are dealing with the struggles of depression and other mental health challenges. Mind, the mental health charity, is a great place to start for more information.
I believe that God has used the things that once upon a time felt traumatic to serve a greater purpose in my life. I have a story to share now and so many times, when I share that story someone will discreetly say ‘can I talk about this with you?’ or ‘this really reminds me of this situation, but I’ve never really spoken about it’. Sharing my story and helping others is good enough reason for me to have gone through it all.
How would one maintain good mental health?
Firstly, I’d say self-awareness is important. How am I feeling? What’s been going on in my life? Have my eating habits changed? Has my social life changed? Has my sex life changed? All of those can be markers of where you’re at mentally and from there you can figure out what to do next.
For example, I realised that I had an issue with comparing myself to others a lot. I needed to focus on my own lane so as a result, I made the decision to come off various social media channels – in fact I’ve been off them for about a year now. I think that social media is a really dangerous place to be when you’re feeling a bit fragile. Honestly, it’s been really good for me and I strongly recommend it. So yeah, once you realise why you are feeling a certain way or what your triggers are, then you can take real tangible action.
The other key factors are diet, fitness, talking to people and for me, journaling has been a really good one. Even writing down negative thoughts and rants when I was a teenager, as trivial as they may have been, I was glad I wrote it down because I felt this weight lift from my shoulders once I finished writing.
I especially find journaling really helpful because I can be very quick to doubt myself and beat myself up so every now and again, I write an objective assessment on where I am in life and what I’m doing well and not so well. That’s always been the bit I’ve struggled with: what am I good at? What value do I bring to the people around me? What’s good about me, and what are the things that I need to improve on? Journaling is best to do when I’m in an overall calm state and my emotions aren’t running all over the place. It’s all really about self-improvement which I find so helpful because the world is always telling you that you’re not good enough and ‘this is the standard’ or ‘you’ve got to look like this to be beautiful’ or ‘you’ve got to attend Harvard business school or Oxford/Cambridge to be clever’. It helps me to frame my mind. Even with my ‘improvement points’, it’s all about trying to build myself up and improve myself in a constructive manner, rather than telling myself ‘you’re crap at this, you’re crap at that, you are good for nothing’ - which is what my inner voice can sound like for the most part.
Leading on from your last point, what other measures have you put in place to deal with your anxiety?
As I’ve said when I’m in a bad mental space, one of the things I’ve struggled with is having a negative inner voice and low self-esteem. One of the great things about counselling is it helps you to articulate what you’re feeling and turn that feeling into a thought, if that makes sense? What are you actually feeling and what’s that voice in your head saying? What happened in that situation that made you feel a certain way? I feel that a lot of people struggle, on a basic level, to understand what they’re actually feeling and thinking.
One of the measures I take to respond to that inner voice is a quick written exercise – I can do it on the train, on the back of a post-it note, it’s very quick. So basically, whenever I have a negative thought about myself, I challenge it and I hold it up to account. So I take a scrap of paper, split it into three columns:
1. Thought/argument
2. Facts
3. Verdict – true or false
So for example, one of the things that I have felt very insecure about is my communication skills. I don’t feel that I articulate myself very well. In the first column, I would say ‘I am not a very good communicator’. Then in the ‘facts’ column I would write, for example, ‘I received great feedback from my manager about my communication skills’ or ‘someone from church stopped me the other day and said I spoke well on stage’. I look at all the facts that relate to my negative thought and then in the last column, I decide if it is true or false. Another example is ‘okay I am fat’ and then I would look at the facts: ‘I actually weigh X amount and I am indeed overweight’ so then the verdict column is ‘yeah, it is the truth’. Again, once I’ve taken a step back and looked at it objectively, I can turn this into ‘but what are the things that I am going to do or am I already doing about it?’ This just helps me reframe my mind rather than tell myself ‘you are fat, you are ugly, you are stupid’ with no end point. It’s so easy to put yourself down.
Whether I’m stressed about an exam or I’ve had an argument with someone or I’m just feeling bad about myself, once I’ve turned the feeling into a thought, and the thought into an action, I can put it to rest, rather than allowing those awful feelings to sit with me for hours on end - which it absolutely can and will do if I don’t tackle it head on. It amazes me how much time I’ve spent bullying myself in the past – but I can put an end to it.
Just as a side note, often my ‘facts’ in the second column are actually bible verses. One thing that I often do is I write down ‘I am ugly’ and I think that’s quite a normal thing for most women (and indeed, men too) in the ‘Insta-age’ to feel. One of the top ‘facts’ in this example would be ‘I am made in God’s image’ and I love that because I’m not relying on my mind to talk me down from certain thoughts, but it’s an objective view which I believe, as a Christian, is truth. Anything that comes from the bible for me is a ‘trump card’. It brings about some peace and some order in me. In fact, my youth pastors were the ones who came up with this exercise and it’s been really helpful for me. I don’t really need to do it as a written exercise anymore and I can just do it in my mind now.
So what I’ve learned over the last few years is that I am strong and I do have something to give - we all do, and that’s why I think you need to be intentional about your mental health and about the voices (internal and external) you let into your world. Sometimes that unfortunately means distancing yourself from certain people. Sometimes it means switching off your social media, perhaps it means investing in a new friendship, maybe joining a fitness bootcamp in your local park or volunteering at a charity. Maybe it’s something as small as committing to making your bed every day this week – start wherever you’re at.
It’s that age old quote – control your mind, or it will control you. Its hard work to maintain good mental health but it’s always worth it.
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Anxiety is a feeling of unease and we all have feelings of anxiousness at some point in our life. However, some people find it challenging to manage their anxiousness and it can often affect their daily lives.
Anxiety UK is a user led organisation that supports anyone with anxiety, phobias, panic attacks or other anxiety disorders.
Telephone: 08444 775 774 (Monday to Friday 9:30am - 5:30pm)
Text: 07537 416905
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Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk
SASH (London Social Anxiety Self-Help Groups) is a open group that provides a space where socially anxious people can meet, talk and support one another.
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