Red, 28, shares his experience of how he managed to deal with a loss of a family member and numerous other challenges simultaneously.
Thanks for getting on board with The Anonymous Talk. First off, in your opinion, what things do you think can help maintain ‘good’ mental health?
Having a routine helps - in the morning I’ll listen to something positive. For me positivity is in God and starting your day right, I see a big change when I don’t listen to something encouraging in the morning as opposed to when I do. My parents always used to say, ‘read the Bible before you go to work or school’ and I used to flippantly say, ‘yeah that’s fine but my brain doesn’t really work in the morning’. It’s true, my brain doesn’t work in the morning, I’m half groggy until I get to work, and I have a coffee. So, what works best for me is to listen to a sermon with people I know who are encouraging and who can help me to see the world in a different way or perspective.
I tried reading the Bible in the morning and it didn’t work for me, but I realised that when I’m listening to something it doesn’t matter if I’m listening to the whole sermon, it can even be a small phrase that keeps me anchored for the whole day. There was a period in my life when I would be overwhelmed by the things going on in my life. While I was studying for my Master’s degree, I didn’t have a job for six months and then the job I did get after completing my degree was not really related to what I studied, nor did it meet my salary expectations. During that time, I was just frustrated, and I needed to learn how to be brave. So, when I was listening to these sermons, I picked up on a few strategies on how to change my way of thinking. For example, one thing I do is take a deep breath in and say, ‘I am enough…’ and with my breath out I would say, ‘…for God is in me’. I’d repeat this about five or six times, and I start believing that I am enough.
Another thing that helped was getting into a routine and you must understand that this can fluctuate. Some months you stick with a routine but some months you don’t, and you fail. It’s always important to remember and accept that it’s okay to fail but you must keep going until the habit becomes a routine. My normal routine, on the way to work, in the morning is to listen to something that encourages me. I’d listen to something that would benefit me for the day so that it feels as though I’ve achieved something. That would be a morning thing I’d do and then if I feel like I might spiral or if I’m alone then I would call someone, or I would pick something up to keep my mind occupied.
Do you hold anyone accountable during a difficult period in your life?
I find it difficult to bear my soul or share everything that’s going on in my life with one person, but it’s something that I’m trying to change. At the same time, I’ve learnt that you don’t have to have one person that is accountable for all the things going in your life either. I can have multiple people that I can share my problems and issues with for different reasons. So yes and no: I do have people that are accountable but there are times I don’t choose to tell people because I’m not consistent enough.
I have both personal and professional experiences as I work within mental health. As a clinical staff, I interact and talk to service users who have mental health issues on a daily basis, but on a personal level I saw my cousin go through a big change in his life. He was like my older brother and he lived with me most of my life. When he was diagnosed with cancer in his spinal cord, I saw a man who was always independent become someone that was very much dependent on his wife and family. Going from someone who was always a giver and a provider into now being provided had a big shift in his mental health.
That’s one side of it from a personal point of view but another side of it was that from a young age, I always aspired to be a doctor and I applied for Medical school when I was eighteen years old and again when I was twenty-one years old. On both occasions, I was unsuccessful, and I went through a period of being lost with regards to my career. It affected me deeply that I lost my direction and so I developed a sense of loneliness because I didn’t know where I was going in my life. My experiences have been a mixture of acquired and lived experience.
I found it hard to pick myself again, especially the second time round. I was interested in health care, especially in the human body. I wanted to help and make a difference in people’s lives and I get that in most careers you can make a difference but for me this was the only career I wanted to pursue. It was hard for me to digest because I would think to myself why would God put it in my heart and then not give me the ability or the opportunity to get in? I struggled with this for a long time and from time to time, even now, it still stings.
What encouraged you to pursue Medicine?
Definitely I was encouraged by my parents, but I would never say that I was coerced into it. My parents always told me that I could become a doctor, a lawyer or pursue any successful career but ultimately it was my decision. Another reason why I found it difficult to handle the failure is because I let down the people I love. When I failed both times, my family would say, ‘I don’t want my son to go through this pain again’ and, ‘if you can’t do it or you don’t want to do it then that’s fine’. Regardless of their love and support, I still felt as though I let my parents down because I couldn’t achieve this one thing.
How did you pick yourself up and move forward?
I don’t know how. Sometime healing just happens, or the hurt goes away with time. For me it was the latter. It went away with time, but it also helped that I found a new passion in mental health. I was always interested in the human brain more than anything else and I’ve always told my parents that I will be an eternal student. If I had the option, I would study for as long as I can, and I told my wife that the day she becomes a millionaire I will go back to studying full time. I ended up working in a lab doing chemical tests for a year and during this time I started looking into courses that I could study. This led me to study MSc Neuroscience and found a new passion, which I think this helped my healing process. Ultimately it was my faith in God that helped me realise that it doesn’t matter what I was studying or what I thought of myself, firstly I was God’s child and that affirmation helped me get through this stage in my life.
I think that my cousin suffered for a long time and it was a rollercoaster ride. When he was first diagnosed, I was studying my undergraduate course and I was there when he first received his diagnosis. I was in the room with him and I had to translate everything the doctor would explain to my cousin and his family so for me it was huge. The experience isn’t really something that I can put into words. He went through a round of chemotherapy and radiotherapy and I was there through his treatment. He initially lost the mobility in his legs and as a result of the chemotherapy, some of his mobility came back and we thought the treatment had worked. We thought it was manageable but while I was doing my Masters itcame back, and he lost all mobility at that point. I couldn’t be there for the rest of treatment and the fact that I couldn’t be there still upsets me, but I take solace in knowing that I was there for the first part of the journey.
Gratefully and thankfully there was always people around him. My parents were there looking after him every step of the way and various people came in and out of his life to help him at different points. His diagnosis took a lot out of us and then right at the end I was there. I took it on myself to organise his funeral. Right then, there was a full cycle moment in life; I was there for the beginning of his diagnosis, I saw it run its course and then after the end I took over to help organise the funeral. I find comfort knowing that I was able to help his family after he passed away.
What helped you get through the grieving process?
Firstly, I can tell you what didn’t help me. There were two things that I would use as an escape mechanism when things went wrong; one was storytelling in the form of books, movies or comics and the other being video games. I returned to what I knew was familiar and it was the guilt afterwards that would keep me away from my healing and from God. I think therefore routine is so important because when you start putting things into a routine it starts to become familiar. When things go wrong then you go back to what is familiar and because my familiarity was stories and video games, I escaped into this place. It was unhealthy because I had so much to do at the time: I had my Master’s exams, I had my family to take care of, I had to look for a job and so if I’m reading a book or playing video games. I could have used that time more effectively to apply to the important things in my life. That is not to say that reading books is bad, it’s just to say that I was doing it excessively.
However, what did help me at the time was opening up to the people around me about my habits. I was able to talk about my cousin to my mum, my brother and my sister, but she took a really big hit because of his death. I tried to help her, but her healing came really late because of the impact it had on her; she didn’t open up, but I was exactly the same. I didn’t open up until one of my friends noticed something wasn’t right and confronted me about it.
How did this friend notice something was wrong?
My lack of motivation and engagement with God. My spiritual life wasn’t great at all and my friend noticed obvious signs. I didn’t even realise it was because of the death of my cousin, until we started talking and I started grieving. It took me a long time and it was good to get it out of my system but saying that, grieving is an ongoing process and it’s never entirely out of your system.
Why do you think it took you a long time to realise you were grieving?
I don’t know if it was months or years but for me it felt like a long time. I would do things to the best of my ability, but I didn't rely on God to heal him because I had so much confidence that my brother would come out of his treatment successfully but then for him to lose his life shattered everything that I hoped for. He was always the one person who would encourage me and tell me, ‘you will be fine’ or ‘you will get through this’.
It was a long time before I could pray for someone who was sick. Even now when I pray for someone that is unwell, I still question whether God will heal them or think ‘God if you can do it for this person why didn’t you do it for my cousin?’ It’s something that I struggled with and I will be struggling with for a long time but that doesn’t mean that I will stop praying to God.
Do you share the doubts in your mind with other people?
I’ve shared it with my wife, my family and they understand. Some people are very quick to say that I’m angry with God and they say, ‘if you are angry with God then it’s going to hurt you more than God’. It’s not that I’m never going to talk to Him, or I don’t believe in Him but my anger with God is more on a personal level. I’m angry with God because he didn’t save my brother, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe that He couldn’t have done it. If God gave me a reason for why it happened, then it would have made it easier to live with it but then there would be no reason for faith right?
What measures did you put in place to deal with all of this?
If I’m getting into a pattern of doing something that is harming my mental health, then I have an ‘accountability partner’. I talk to my wife and I’d tell her how I feel and normally it just helps me redirect my thoughts. I try not to just talk to my wife but also my friends. I believe you have to be smart about the people you choose to share your thoughts with, and you can’t share too much of your life with everyone; but you can’t share every aspect of your life with just one person either. Another thing is that you want the person you’re sharing it with to take it in a way that doesn’t harm you. If the person you choose to share your problem with takes it in a way that makes you feel guilty rather than say ‘let’s work on this’ or they make you feel like you’re not doing the right thing, then I wouldn’t say they are the ideal person to speak with because it ends up leaving you in a negative place.
Thank you, Red. This has been an insightful talk.
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The Good Grief Trust is run by the bereaved for the bereaved. They aim to help all those suffering grief in the UK by finding the bereaved, acknowledge their grief and providing side reassurance, a virtual hand of friendship and ongoing support. Their vision is to bring all bereavement services together around the country. They have grouped all the services available across the country on their website and using your location you can find all the services near you.
Website: www.thegoodgrieftrust.org
Grief Encounter support bereaved children and their families to help alleviate the pain caused by the death of someone close. Their services are free.
GriefTalk Helpline (5 days a week, 9am to 9pm) : 0808 802 0111 - GriefTalk is confidential and you don't have to give your name or any other details if you don't want to.
Email: grieftalk@griefcounter.org.uk
Website: www.griefencounter.org.uk
______________________________________________________
The Good Grief Trust is run by the bereaved for the bereaved. They aim to help all those suffering grief in the UK by finding the bereaved, acknowledge their grief and providing side reassurance, a virtual hand of friendship and ongoing support. Their vision is to bring all bereavement services together around the country. They have grouped all the services available across the country on their website and using your location you can find all the services near you.
Website: www.thegoodgrieftrust.org
Grief Encounter support bereaved children and their families to help alleviate the pain caused by the death of someone close. Their services are free.
GriefTalk Helpline (5 days a week, 9am to 9pm) : 0808 802 0111 - GriefTalk is confidential and you don't have to give your name or any other details if you don't want to.
Email: grieftalk@griefcounter.org.uk
Website: www.griefencounter.org.uk